Amanda (frodo_chick) wrote,
Amanda
frodo_chick

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A look into my state of mind

***This is my honest opinion about myself. Some of it probably sounds disgustingly conceited, but I swear to you every word is true. It's more of an inner searching, so if you think I'm some stuck up snobby bitch, you're probably right***

Isn't she lucky, this Hollywood girl?

All my life, I've never been complete. Right now, almost every day I feel a sense of despair. I feel empty inside, like nothing ever goes my way. Why?

I bet everyone thinks I'm so lucky. I get straight A's, I'm always the smartest in the class. The worst part is I don't even study or anything. I just *know*. I'm amazing at almost everything I do, I can play the clarinet beautifully and make the piano look like an easy instrument to play. I have great friends who I know will be there for me. They listen to me and we have a lot of fun together. My parents, even though they're a little weird are pretty cool. I know they'd both give their life for me and they both love me a lot. My mom's always there to listen to my problems, even though sometimes she cares a little *too* much. They give me pretty much anything I want. I don't have to do chores or babysit some brats, if I want money, clothes, anything, I get it. I'm an only child, so I don't have annoying siblings to compete with. People tell me I have the perfect body. I'm not beautiful but I'm not ugly either, I guess. I look and act confident, like I have the whole world resting on my palm. My best friend likes this guy, but he likes me. So let's look at why I feel so unlucky.

First of all, the grades don't mean anything to me. I just feel more pressured to do so well. Even though I don't study, it'll probably catch up to me someday. Sometimes I wish I could just be normal, not have everyone expect me to be the genius. If I was normal, I wouldn't think about things so much, I wouldn't analyze everything in my own mind. As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss. My parents worry and care too much, I wish they would be more easygoing and let me live my own god damn life. What happens if I'm not successful like everyone wants me to be? Then I'll have disappointed a lot of people. Material things don't mean a lot to me, just because I have more things then my friends doesn't make me feel any better. I'd be quite content if I had what they had. My friends are cool and all, but they don't really understand me. I don't let them. I keep my more deep, innermost thoughts to myself. I act very laid-back and friendly, even if I feel like strangling someone. The only indicator to my emotions are my eyes. They are relaxed when I'm happy, but if I'm angry then they narrow and go cold and hard. As self-image goes, I am actually very insecure. People, even guys, say, "You don't want to be a stick, that's just gross." But I envy all those really skinny people out there, who eat and eat and eat and don't gain a pound. Even though they have no boobs, no ass, no figure, I'd still rather be them than have my curves but pretty much can't eat anything to keep it. Now, I'm not anorexic, but I try to avoid chips, pop, ice cream, fries, pizza, cookies, chocolate and anything else remotely fattening but incredibly delicious. I wish I could be pretty like some of my other friends, I really hate how I look. I'd like to lose about 15 lbs., have green eyes and perfect teeth. But most of my emptiness doesn't come from the outside, it's really the inside that's bothering me.

Sometimes I wish I could just sleep and sleep until everything goes away. I wish I could really love live and begin to live again. I wish that I wasn't me. Or that I was the me that used to be happy and carefree. I have nothing and yet everything to be sad and angry about

I just want to live again.
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