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Friday, November 23rd, 2001
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6:33 pm - New Journal...
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Hey. I've gotten pretty lack in updating this LJ, and it's mostly mudane details about my life anyway. I've decided to start a new journal going more into my inner self. I've been feeling really down lately and I think I have to reach myself before I can make the situation better. The new journal is here Here's to new beginnings...
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| Friday, November 16th, 2001
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1:17 am - Review of Harry Potter
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I saw HP tonight, it was pretty packed but we got there an hour early so it's all good. Here's my take on the movie:
They had a preview for LotR!!! That was a plus, me and Kelly started squealing when they showed it...lol.
The first few minutes of the movie were pretty good, they stayed fairly accurate to the books. But after that, I know this will sound nit-picky, but they left too much stuff out. I think they assume that you've already read the book or something. What really bothered me is that they didn't explain who Voldemort was until about half-way through the movie. Tons of scenes were cut or altered, which was kinda unsettling but to be expected. Malfoy isn't there in Diagon Alley or on the train. They do the introductory scene with him before the Sorting Hat. And the Sorting Hat doesn't go in alphabetical order! It went Hermione, Draco, some girl, Ron and Harry (I think) The twins barely get a speaking role and I think Lee Jordan's a girl! Either that or he has an extremely feminine voice!!!! Hermione's a stuck up little brat, Snape's extremely two-dimensional and Malfoy's...ugh. I hate Movie Malfoy, he's much too canon for my liking ^_^
Another thing that really bugged me is that they didn't even explain why Snape hated Harry so much. Voldemort looked really weird, like a rotting corpse or something. Quirrel was good though, his stutter cracked me up for some reason. The movie was too pro-Gryffindor for my liking, I'm such a pro-Slytherin. I think some of it is that I'm losing my taste for canon, preferring fanfic cause it makes more sense in my anti-Gryffindor mindset. Like at the beginning with Malfoy when he introduces himself to Harry, saying, "My name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy." and Ron snickers, well, I don't blame Draco considering Ron was the one to scoff at Draco first. The dragon scene is pretty different, it's a lot shorter and Gryffindor doesn't care when they get all those points taken off. And it's Ron instead of Neville that gets the detention. Mostly everything's changed somewhat, I was happy they put my quote in though- "There is no good and evil, only power and those too weak to seek it."
All in all, the movie was kinda disappointing, didn't really meet my expectartions. Some scenes worked, others didn't. It was generally okay though, no serious complaints really. I think it might turn some people off of the books, because I know Kelly (who loved LotR) has no desire to read Harry Potter now because she didn't like the movie. I plan on seeing it once more in the theatre, but that should be plenty for me.
Signing off,
~Amanda
current mood:  disappointed
current music: Hero- Enrique Iglaesis
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| Thursday, November 15th, 2001
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3:28 pm - OMG! It's Harry Potter time!!!
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Yaaaaay! Tonight, me, Mandy, Griff (Mandy's new bf, she broke up w/ Dave), Gwen, Mark, Kelly and Sam are coming to Harry Potter, if we can actually get in that is. OMG, I can't waitttt!!!!!! This week's been so exciting, everything's happening around me. The hot grade 11 guy thinks I'm a stalker (*laugh* it's probably the truth!) but I know some of his friends and they told me they'd say good things about me. So today I went up to him and told him I wasn't a stalker, I just thought he was hot. He kinda laughed to himself and kept walking. Hahahaha, I'm an idiot. My friends thought that was pretty gutsy, going up to a friggin' 6 foot tall grade 11 and telling him that, but I don't really care, as you can probably tell I'm not easily embarassed. I skipped 4th period today, it was soooo fun having lunch w/ Mandy and her lunch friends (Mark, Leigh Ann, Matt, Sam and Griff.) I sooo wish I had 4th now, 3rd's kinda boring, no offense to my friends who I eat lunch with. Today should have been weird, but I'm just so excited! I'm sitting here waiting for Mandy to call, goddammit we gotta get there early!!!! I can't believe after waiting for like a year I finally get to see Harry Potter, I can't waiiiitt!!!!!!! *screams* The excitement is killing me! Watch back here for a review after I get home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: Hanging By A Moment- Lifehouse
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| Saturday, November 10th, 2001
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1:09 am - Back for another update...
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Yawn. It's 1:00 and I'm tired, but I gotta post at least once a week. OMG, I can't believe Harry Potter comes out this Friday!!! I've been dying to see it since I started reading the books during the summer going into 8th grade, which was over a year ago. I saw Domestic Disturbance tonight and saw posters for Harry Potter and LotR, which was very cool, IMO. Speaking of LotR, I've written the first part to a new story, it's a Frodo/Sauron story, you can read it here. The second part's being written as I type, so expect it within a week or so, maybe a little more. School's going well, I have a 90 in French, 97 in music and an 85 in English, which is pretty fucked up right about there considering English *used* to be my best subject. Ah well, what are ya gonna do right? I've been having weird dreams lately, most of them involving this grade 11 guy I have a huge crush on. It's not right, I know most of his classes and everything. It's all innocent good fun, it's not like I'm cheating or anything. Well, I suppose I should continue writing, I'm already tired anyway.
current mood:  busy
current music: Serial Joe- Mistake
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| Saturday, November 3rd, 2001
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2:19 pm - More survey fun...
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Taken from Blynk's LJ...
1) Time: 2:02 pm.
2) Name: Amanda
3) Nicknames: Frodo Chick, Mandy, Alandra
5) E-mail: frodo_chick@hotmail.com
6) Eyes: Brown
7) Height: 5'7"
8) Siblings: none!!!
9) Age: 14
10) Ever been drunk: Yup
11) Ever cheated or been cheated on: Nope
12) Missed school b/c it was raining: Uh, no
13) If you could do anything right now what would you do: Have a week off of school
14) Set any body part on fire for amusement: Ow, pain is not my friend
15) Kept a secret from everyone: Yeah
16) Had an imaginary friend: Nope
17) Where is question 17?: <-------
18) Cried during a Flick: I've gotten teary-eyed...
19) Had a crush on a teacher: Ewww, all my teachers are old and ugly
20) Ever thought an animated character was hot?: Um...no
21) Ever at anytime owned a New Kids on the Block?: Nope
23) Prank called someone: Haha, yeah
24) Been on stage: Course, I love the spotlight
------------------FAVORITES------------------
25) Shampoo: Herbal Essences.
26) Soap: Neutrogena
27) Colors: Blue, black, purple, red
28) Day/Night: Both
29) Summer/Winter: Summer.
30) Online Smiley: ^_^
33) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Yeah
34) Like anyone(like a crush)?: Yup, Mike the hot senior
35) Who have you known the longest of your friends: Sam
37) Who's the shyest: Gwen
38) Who do you go to for advice: Gwen or Leigh Ann
40) Who do you cry with: None, I don't show weakness
----------IN THE LAST 2 Weeks------------
41) Cried: No, last time was about a month ago
42) Cut your hair: Hell no!
43) Worn a skirt: Yup
44) Been mean: Every day
45) Been sarcastic: Hell yeah!
46) Met someone new: Yep
48) Missed someone: Oh yeah
50) Fought with your parents: Yes!
51) Wished upon a star: Nope
52) Laughed until you cried: Nope
54) Watched a sunrise/sunset: Yeah, I'm up waaay too early for school :P
55) Went to the beach at night: No, too cold!
57) Read a book for fun: Probably
58) Ate a meal: Now there's a stupid question. Nope, I'm anorexic *rolls eyes*
59) Are you lonely?: Right now? no
60) Are you happy?: With my life? Mostly yes
61) Are you talking to someone online: Yes, Mandy
-------DO YOU BELIEVE IN-------
63) Love: Yeah
64) The Closet Monster: No
66) Heaven/Hell: No
67) Superstitions: Sometimes
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68) What is your full name?: Amanda's good enough for you
69) Who named you?: My parents
72) What was the last thing that you said online?: "See ya!"
75) What is right next to you?: my binder
76) What is your computer desk made of?: Wood
77) What are the last 4 digits in your phone number?: 2604
78) What was the last thing that you ate?: A little chocolate bar
80) Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?: I have no idea
81) How many buddies do you have on your list?: Like 40 or so
83) Have you ever smoked pot?: No, I've been tempted though
84) What did you do last night?: Went to Sylvia's and played on her trampoline
86) What are your favorite type of shoes?: Running shoes and leather boots
87) How do YOU eat an Oreo?: I either dip it in milk or twist it and eat the cream
88) All-time favorite tv show?: The Simpsons
89) Dream car?: I don't know anything about cars...
91) What do you want to do after you leave school?: Go to uni
92) What are your future goals?: Have my own talk show
93) Favorite music?: Alternative
94) Favorite food?: Fries
95) Favorite movies?: Final Destination, American Pie 2
96) Favorite days of the year?: Christmas, first day of summer vacation
98) Do you like to dance?: Yep
99) Fast or slow?: Both, but slow more
100) Are you too shy to ask someone out?: Sometimes
102) If you could change your name, what would it be?: Annatar ^_~
104) Have you ever been in love?: No
105) What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?: I do stupid things daily
108) Favorite drink?: Nonalcoholic- cream soda or cafe mocha. Alcoholic- Kahula
109) You like scary or happy movies better?: Happy
110) On the phone or in person?: In person, defnitely.
112) If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?: I'd be skinnier
113) Do you consider cheerleading a sport?: No, it's an activity
115) Time done?: 2:18
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| Friday, November 2nd, 2001
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12:14 pm - And now for a real entry...
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Whoa dude, so much has gone on in a week!!! Mandy's still going out w/ David and they still have done nothing. He's tried so many times to kiss her, but she'll never let him. Our dance was on Tuesday, it was pretty fun. Did I mention I was going out w/ Kyle? We used to be just friends, but I guess it turned into...more. He's actualy really nice though ^_^ And OMG, Gwen's going out w/ Mark. You would've never thought, because they never really talked in public school. Hollie's going out w/ some guy name Jessie too, so we're all getting boyfriends now. I'm going to have to find someone for Ashlee, she needs to get over Matt. Speaking of Matt, Sam and Cody broke up over him, I guess she sorta did stuff w/ Matt. Her and Cody had been going out for 10 months, so I feel really bad for both of them. Harry Potter comes out in less that two weeks!!! I can't wait, that movie looks really cool!!! All of us are going, that's the day Mandy gets off grounding so it works out nicely for everyone. It's great that life is being nice to me again, it's never in between w/ me, it's always either amazing or really shitty. Things are always black and white for me I guess.
current mood: ecstatic
current music: In the End- Linkin Park
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11:30 am - Survey Madness!!!
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Stolen shamelessly from other people's LJ's....
PAST
First grade teacher's name:
Mrs. Challen
Last word you said:
Bye
Last song you sang:
Fallin' by Alicia Keys
Last meal you ate:
Dinner, last night
Favorite childhood cartoon:
I had tons!!!
What do/did you hate most about school:
The classes, the work, the teachers
Last song stuck in your head:
Because I Got High, by Afroman
PRESENT
What's in your CD player:
*shrugs*
What color socks are you wearing:
None, I just woke up
What's under your bed:
Nothing, it's a waterbed
What's the weather like:
Cool but really bright and sunny!
What time did you wake up today:
11:00.
FUTURE
Who do you want to marry:
No idea yet
Are you going to college:
Yup!!!
Where do you want to go:
Doesn't matter, really
What is your career going to be:
I want to be a writer, actress, or host of a TV talk show :)
Where are you going to live:
Probably in the big city
How many kids do you want:
1 or none at all
Kids' names:
*giggles* Frodo, Annatar, Michelle, Alandra
Where do you want your honeymoon:
Somewhere romantic, like Rome
What kind of car will you have:
A blue convertable
* * * * * *
1. Name one person you regret dating/liking: Richard
2. Name one person you can do without in your life: There's too many to pick just one
3. Name one person of the same sex that you would kiss if you were unattached: ewwwwwwww
4. Name one celebrity star that you find hot: There's so many!!! Johnny Depp is one, though
5. Name one LJer that you find hot: All the ppl I know are chicks, so nope
6. Name one city that you find most appealing: Vienna
7. Favorite piece of jewelry: My rings and hoop earrings
8. Favorite piece of clothing: My white sleeveless low cut shirt and my blue Tommy jeans
9. Favorite place to be: out w/ friends
10. Favorite person to be with: my closest friends
11. What's one regret that you have in life? Too many :(
12. Name one part of your body that you dislike most: my legs
13. Name one part of your body that you love most: my face, i guess
14. What's one thing you would like to do before you die? Become famous
15. What's one thing you enjoy doing during your free time: Going to the mall
16. Who is one person you'd like to meet (celebrity or not): There's too many!!!
17. What is one thing that you like to own someday? A car
18. What is one goal that you'd like to achieve? Be a less bitter person
19. What's your most favorite memory? Hmmm...can't pick
20. What's one memory that you would like to erase? Waaaay too many...
What were you doing...
1 minute ago: Talking to Mark
1 hour ago: Sleeping
1 day ago: At Burger King eating lunch
1 week ago: Went to AJ's party
1 month ago: Waiting for my birthday to come
1 year ago: Becoming friends w/ *sigh* Sarah
1 lifetime ago: Who knows?
5 hours ago: Sleeping
5 days ago: Dragging my lazy ass out of bed for school
5 weeks ago: ???
5 months ago: Getting excited about graduating
5 years ago: Being a kid
Weeheeeeee! Now wasn't that fun? (wait, don't answer that)
current mood:  chipper
current music: Because I Got High, by Afroman
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| Sunday, October 28th, 2001
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1:59 am - And who can say where the road goes...only time
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Yee hee. Today I went to AJ's, it was just me, Mark, Billy, him and Ashlee. It was fun though, we went out for dinner and AJ the idiot left so Ashlee had to cover his bill *rolls eyes* I talked to her a lot tonight, she's going through a lot of shit w/ Matt and I really know how she feels so I think I helped her out a little bit. Then I got home and I guess Sam broke up w/ Cody, her on-and-off boyfriend of 10 months. She's been through a lot w/ him so she's taking it really hard. Now all my friends are going through hell when all my guy troubles are solved (very solved! *laughs*) for the time being. As Ashlee said, "It never spreads itself out! It always happens in one week of hell." Read my previous entries to see how true I think that is! The dance is on Tuesday, I can't wait! *giggles* I'm finally happy, for the first time in weeks I feel soooo much better! Yaaaaaay!!!! Maybe it's the alcohol talking, but I am feeling gooood!!!!!! I even started a new fic last night, I think it might end up being slightly slashy Frodo/Sauron. Yippeeee for meeeee! Finally, things are starting to go right for me, everything's falling into place...let's see how long *this* lasts (I'm betting two weeks or less)
current mood: enthralled
current music: Fallin' (my song!)- Alicia Keys
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| Friday, October 26th, 2001
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11:39 pm - Backstabbing bitches and such...
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This week went all right. It kinda sucked that I could barely talk to Mandy on the phone though, she had to sneak to call me at all. The adventures of Hollie the Backstabbing Bitch continues. Now she's telling me that David "likes her" and calls her all the time. Hmm, sound familar???? *evil glare* Mandy's obviously pissed, even though she *still* hasn't touched her boyfriend. Does that make sense? I didn't think so! I finally found out Will-dude's name, if I haven't mentioned him before he's the hot senior I have a crush on. Anyway, I asked him his name and I guess it's Mike...doesn't work for him though, I still call him Will-dude :) AJ's having a party tomorrow, I think I'll go. Oh, and Mark, you stole my name! I am the real Malfoy! hehehe...holy shit, it's only 11:30?? Dude, I lost track of time or something, I've been living in my own little world for the past how long? Am I making sense? NO! Yay, dance is on Tues., I'm going to go because I have nothing better to do on a Tuesday night! And glowsticks are fun too. Sam's coming to our dance, I miss her! Ohhh, I finally saw Kelly today! Me, Ashlee and Gwen went to her house, I haven't seen her in like a month! Well, besides talking on MSN but that doesn't count! It was cool catching up with her, it felt like not even a day had past! Gwen wants me to come to cheerleading on Monday, I may, I hope I don't look like an idiot. Stupid blond bitches (j/k!) So yeah, I'm going to chat on MSN, Kyle better fucking call tomorrow, or I'm going to be pissed! And as everyone who knows me knows, when I'm pissed I make it public so everyone knows it! I need a picture of me doing the "evil face", people think I look evil when I do it, and know to back off. *grins* Anywho...I think I scared you all off. Bwahaha!
current mood:  hyper
current music: How You Remind Me- Nickleback (the video w/ the hot guitarist!)
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| Sunday, October 21st, 2001
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1:32 am - A quick entry before I go to bed...
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Ugh, this bites. Mandy and Leigh Ann got caught skipping, so now they're both grounded. Mandy's not allowed on the phone or out until Friday at the earliest and Leigh Ann's grounded till Monday. Gwen had D & D tonight, so she wouldn't do anything and I guess if I really wanted to, I could have asked Hollie, since she called me so much today, but I didn't really want to. So here I was, stuck inside on a Saturday of all nights. That's crap. Tomorrow I'm meeting Kyle at the mall, we have a lot of issues we have to resolve before any kind of friendship. I give Mandy and Dave a week, I swear she's trying to avoid him. But that's usual, so I'm not too shocked. *yawn* Time for bed I guess, I'm tired as hell...
current mood:  tired
current music: Fire and Rain- James Taylor
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| Friday, October 19th, 2001
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11:54 pm - The rollercoaster of life has its ups and downs...
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This week was *much* better. Much, much better. Well, the first part was the same, except that I felt a lot better, you know. Today was the really weird day. Me, Mandy and Leigh Ann skipped, it was fun, all the suckers were stuck in class!!! Hehe ^_^ At the end of the day, we went back to get our stuff and I saw Kyle. Well, something compulsed me to talk to him and we ended up forgiving each other. I went out with my friends tonight to hang out, but he called when I was out so I called back and we talked for an hour or so. I think we can still be friends, I hate to admit it but I missed him. So now that's all smoothed over. Mandy's going out with David, who is kind of a dirtball, and he happens to be Kelly's cousin. She doesn't like him much, I don't think, as she always tries to ignore him whenever she sees him. It's so mean!!! She's going bring him when we go out tomorrow, Leigh Ann's going to bring some Chad guy and I'm going to bring Kyle. Gwen will have to find someone ^_^ Lately, with all this crap that's been going on in my life, I've been neglecting my writing and all my online things. So forgive me for that, it's just hard when there's other stuff going on, you know? So the week ends on a good note, I just hope everything works out for the best.
current mood:  relieved
current music: Drops of Jupiter- Train
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| Sunday, October 14th, 2001
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10:08 pm - I just needed someone to talk to, but you were just too busy w/ yourself!!!
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Sorry, that song's been going through my head for the past week. I wonder why ^_^ I did absolutely nothing today. Nothing at all. I didn't even have any homework to do, so I slept and sat around. Ugh, I hate that, I feel all sluggish and everything. I've been eating too much lately. Even though pretty much the only thing I'll eat is something low-fat (I got some lot-fat ice cream, it kicks ass. Seriously, it tastes like the real thing except there's like 4 grams of fat in the whole carton, compared to about 100) I still feel guilty for eating. Maybe it's not a bad thing, my parents thought I was going anorexic in the summer because I barely ate anything. I think tomorrow I'll skip lunch or get a salad or something, I gotta stop eating fries and burgers. I think AJ's going to have a Hallowe'en party next weekend, sweeeeet! Hopefully they'll invite some guys I don't know, the search is on for a new guy!!! I'd like to do some writing tonight, I've neglected it lately, as with pretty much all of my computer things. I'm lucky now to get a half hour a night. I think I'd like to get together with Kelly sometime next weekend, I miss her. I miss the summer, goddamnit! Even though high school's exciting and fun, I still miss the simple tranquility of the summer. *deep sigh* Just give me one more day. (I'd also add, "Is that too much to ask?", but going over my old journal entries, about four or five already end with that line.) So I'm signing off, good night, America!
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: Break Stuff- Limp Bizkit
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| Saturday, October 13th, 2001
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11:53 pm - You caught me in a good mood for once
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Right now I'm just chilling in my room, my legs are tired. Last night we went to the mall to hang out because I go crazy if I have nothing to do on a Friday night. I'm feeling a *lot* better now, at least there was a decent ending to this craptacular week. I'm almost myself again, except when I start remembering stuff. Then my eyes get this weird glazy look and I'm off in my own world again. OMG, my friends Leigh Anne and Hollie were babysitting last night, and they stole money off of the parent. Which is bad in itself, but pretty minor, except they happened to steal......$550. I'm dead serious, they went tonight to blow it at the mall. Me and Mandy didn't feel like going, so we went to get Mark and Billy and we just hung out instead. I think AJ's going to have a Hallowe'en party, I am *so* being an elf! If people ask what I am, and I tell them that, they'll probably be like, "Huh?" so maybe I'll just tell the idiots I'm a princess or something. Well, anyway, here's hoping this week's better than the last, even though I don't think it's humanly possible for things to get any worse.
current mood:  refreshed
current music: Mistake- Serial Joe
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| Friday, October 12th, 2001
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5:33 pm - The week from hell...
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God, this week has been utter and complete hell. First of all, I totally fucked everything up. Now me and Kyle don't even speak to each other. And I hate to admit it, but I miss him. He led me on, plain and simple, so I don't think things will ever be the same again. Why, why, why???? Am I doomed to be hurt by guys? I used to think he was nice and everything, even though all my friends warned me he was an asshole and a lying bastard at that, but I didn't believe them. Now everything I see reminds me of him. I can't listen to the song "Fallin" without nearly crying. I fucking hate this, if there is a higher power out there, can't you just make everything like it was last Friday? Please? I'm asking nicely. Really. I've had a ton of homework and it's all too much to deal with right now. I know I'm blowing everything out of proportion, but someday I will look back at this and laugh. I just know it, it happens with everything. At least I've had a few days to get a grip on myself, on Wednesday I felt so cold and empty and sad. Now I'm almost back to normal, which is a very good thing indeed. I've had the song Fade in my head this whole week, I think they describe what I feel right now pretty well:
I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
the thought is too
Much to conceive
I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became 'cause
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made
So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do
Well, I'm off to the mall tonight, so we'll see if I post anything.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Fade- Staind
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| Sunday, October 7th, 2001
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11:59 pm - I'm *finally* 14!
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I can't believe I didn't post yesterday, it being my b-day and all. Oh well :P Yesterday, I got all my stuff from my parents, and then they took me out for dinner and a movie. I didn't get home till about 10:30 and then I had some Kahula and a few coolers. They were yummy ^_^ Gwen thinks I was drunk last night, but I *wasn't*. Really. She was playing D & D, and then according to me she "got slain by an elf". I think Mandy and AJ might get together if one of them will just break down and ask the other out. Well, I guess I can't say anything since they're probably thinking the same about me and Kyle. So yeah. Well, we'll see what happens Tuesday, I guess. I gotta lotta homework that's yelling at me to do, so until tomorrow...
current mood:  drunk
current music: Fade- Staind
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| Thursday, October 4th, 2001
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8:27 pm - Another Weekly Update...
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Dude! I turn 14 in two days! Sweeeet! Tomorrow, we're all going to Burger King and I'm going to say, "Can I have a crown?" in a Ralph voice. I think Mandy and AJ might get together soon, if I can help it they will *laughs* Last night I talked to Sam, she still hates it at JP so she's transfering here next year. Word must travel fast, because last night she was like, "So I hear you're little miss popularity now." and I'm like, "What?" And she said, "Well, I heard there's like 6 guys who like you," and I said back, "Yeah, maybe, I don't know half of them so whatever." It was weird though, because back in public school she used to be like the leader, and thought that everyone should listen to her, whatever and now it's the complete opposite. Sometimes I feel too overbearing, so I want everyone to speak up, you know. Also, sometimes I think I talk too much, but no one ever tells me to shut up. I'll talk and talk and talk, luckily my friends are more listeners than talkers. Except Leanne, Heather and Skye, they're really loud too. I can't wait for tomorrow, Gwen's going to take a pic of me with the crown, it'll be hilarious. I think everything's hilarious. Tomorrow night we're all going to hang out, it'll be sweet! We're doing French projects on heros, mine's on George W. Bush. We have to do an interview thing, and Gwen's going to be Bush and we're going to do the "Mr President" bit. Anywho, I'll write more later!
current mood:  giggly
current music: Toxicity- System of a Down
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| Thursday, September 27th, 2001
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10:14 pm - Tired, need sleep...
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I feel so sick today, after I came home from school I just laid down. This week's been crazy, I've had music council, homework, Sarah and all the other stuff to contend with. Me and Mandy are getting a group of people to come to the mall tomorrow, I know Mark, AJ and LeighAnn are coming for sure. Gwen, Skye and (the good) Sarah may come too, we'll see. And maybe Matt. I finally swallowed my pride and gave Kyle my #, I'm actually pretty happy I did. The first time I refused, you see, but that was back when I was all confused and stuff. So we'll see I guess. MarieAmethyst just made one of the best comments I could have heard right now, she is truly an amazing person (if you're reading this Marie, I mean every word!) Well, even though I almost never write now, it's Friday so I should at least post something this weekend. Hopefully I'll see Marie on MSN tomorrow, Friday's my favourite night to stay up late *grin*
current mood:  touched
current music: When It's Over- Sugar Ray
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| Saturday, September 22nd, 2001
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6:19 pm - A look into my state of mind
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***This is my honest opinion about myself. Some of it probably sounds disgustingly conceited, but I swear to you every word is true. It's more of an inner searching, so if you think I'm some stuck up snobby bitch, you're probably right***
Isn't she lucky, this Hollywood girl?
All my life, I've never been complete. Right now, almost every day I feel a sense of despair. I feel empty inside, like nothing ever goes my way. Why?
I bet everyone thinks I'm so lucky. I get straight A's, I'm always the smartest in the class. The worst part is I don't even study or anything. I just *know*. I'm amazing at almost everything I do, I can play the clarinet beautifully and make the piano look like an easy instrument to play. I have great friends who I know will be there for me. They listen to me and we have a lot of fun together. My parents, even though they're a little weird are pretty cool. I know they'd both give their life for me and they both love me a lot. My mom's always there to listen to my problems, even though sometimes she cares a little *too* much. They give me pretty much anything I want. I don't have to do chores or babysit some brats, if I want money, clothes, anything, I get it. I'm an only child, so I don't have annoying siblings to compete with. People tell me I have the perfect body. I'm not beautiful but I'm not ugly either, I guess. I look and act confident, like I have the whole world resting on my palm. My best friend likes this guy, but he likes me. So let's look at why I feel so unlucky.
First of all, the grades don't mean anything to me. I just feel more pressured to do so well. Even though I don't study, it'll probably catch up to me someday. Sometimes I wish I could just be normal, not have everyone expect me to be the genius. If I was normal, I wouldn't think about things so much, I wouldn't analyze everything in my own mind. As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss. My parents worry and care too much, I wish they would be more easygoing and let me live my own god damn life. What happens if I'm not successful like everyone wants me to be? Then I'll have disappointed a lot of people. Material things don't mean a lot to me, just because I have more things then my friends doesn't make me feel any better. I'd be quite content if I had what they had. My friends are cool and all, but they don't really understand me. I don't let them. I keep my more deep, innermost thoughts to myself. I act very laid-back and friendly, even if I feel like strangling someone. The only indicator to my emotions are my eyes. They are relaxed when I'm happy, but if I'm angry then they narrow and go cold and hard. As self-image goes, I am actually very insecure. People, even guys, say, "You don't want to be a stick, that's just gross." But I envy all those really skinny people out there, who eat and eat and eat and don't gain a pound. Even though they have no boobs, no ass, no figure, I'd still rather be them than have my curves but pretty much can't eat anything to keep it. Now, I'm not anorexic, but I try to avoid chips, pop, ice cream, fries, pizza, cookies, chocolate and anything else remotely fattening but incredibly delicious. I wish I could be pretty like some of my other friends, I really hate how I look. I'd like to lose about 15 lbs., have green eyes and perfect teeth. But most of my emptiness doesn't come from the outside, it's really the inside that's bothering me.
Sometimes I wish I could just sleep and sleep until everything goes away. I wish I could really love live and begin to live again. I wish that I wasn't me. Or that I was the me that used to be happy and carefree. I have nothing and yet everything to be sad and angry about
I just want to live again.
current mood:  pessimistic
current music: Lucky- Britney Spears (yes, I hate the song too)
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1:32 am - Oh...
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...and I do *not* know the meaning of paragraphs (makes me feel unworthy of my English award, eh? ^_^)
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1:16 am - What to do, what to do
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OMG, the dance last night was AMAZING!!!! Okay, considering I haven't written in awhile, I'll back things up a bit. Um....well, me and Tisha are on the music council which is pretty cool, I'm glad I know another niner on it!!! Okay, back to the dance ^_^ It was so sweet, they had all the lights flashing, the music was sweet and we all had glowsticks and everything. They had these bubble things that squirted you and glowed under the black lights too. Pretty much every song was fast though, I think there were only like three slow songs. I'm starting to think that maybe Gwen and everyone else is right, that maybe Kyle does like me. I mean, god, we were dancing so close last night and all the things he's said and done...well, it makes sense ya know? He's nice and all, I mean he waited for about an hour for me while I had a music council meeting and then waited while I waited for my bud (in the pouring rain, I might add) He asked for my number, but me being mean didn't give him it ^_^ So now I'm trying to decide how I feel about him, is he just a good friend...or more? Oh, and Sarah (the old one, the bitch) has been having her share of problems. Now Jenn, Ashlee and Sylvia hate her and ditch her at any opportunity. We don't like her and she hasn't made any new friends so she's kinda lost. But as the saying goes, "You reap what you sow." She deserves it, and I knew that someday she'd get her comeuppance. Oh, oh, and WILL WON!!!!!!! I had to tape it last night and I made sure I didn't find out until I watched the tape today who won. I was very happy, to say the least ^_^ And about all the emptiness, I still feel it sometimes but I think it's starting to fade away a bit. Just a bit. Anywho, I'm off to write since I never do anymore. Yeah.
current mood: drained
current music: Fallin'- Alicia Keys
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